Resolve

I’ve been thinking about the resolution I posted a lot over the past two days. I realized while making it, I fell into the same trap I’ve fallen in before: I made some lofty, serious mission out of it.

So I am un-resolving to take 7 risks. Sure, I would love to take more risks this year, but what I really want to do this year is more intangible. Not countable.

I keep reading the wonderful blogs I follow and thinking, “I would love to be there with my writing.” I admire my friends’ good qualities, like confidence, self-awareness, humor, and laid-back-ness, and hope to embody those myself. I’m surrounded by talent at school, wherever and whenever I choose (because I have the good old Internet, books, CDs, magazines, TV and whatever other media/entertainment vessel I choose to expose myself with to inspiration). What I really want to do this year is not complete a set task – because that isn’t anything important to me. (And if it’s not important to me, why would I be inspired to complete it?) I want to find things I love and collect them, basically, and incorporate them into who I am.

This time now feels like the perfect time to “find myself” if you’ll excuse the cliche. I’ve noticed, as I demonstrate right now by writing this, that I change my mind a lot. I don’t really have a concrete or straightforward way about me. There are things in my nature that won’t change, like the fact that I am creative and enjoy the creative process; I want to be as healthy as I can; I enjoy cerebral activities like reading, thinking, writing, listening to jazz or classical music in headphones; and so on. But there are parts about me that I can work on. The only way to define those parts are the ones that I am still in limbo on, that haven’t slid into place yet. The indecisiveness, for instance. (The root of most of my wavering and hesitation.) It would really be fantastic to be prepared to seize opportunities when they arrive instead of holding back because I wonder what it would look like or if I’d be missing out on something or anything, really.

I am struggling to write this post during a marathon of Portlandia. In the middle of the stream of hilarity, they have an “Inside Portlandia” episode about the making and birth of the show. If you haven’t seen the show, it is a funny guy, Fred Armisen, from SNL and his partner in crime Carrie Brownstein acting in a compilation of little sketches that are hilariously odd and shaped around the city of Portland. It’s very very weird but very funny at the same time. Apparently, Armisen and Brownstein were musicians first, THEN became friends and decided to film little videos, THEN Armisen auditioned for SNL, THEN their little comedy routine bloomed into Portlandia. Brownstein said that they still consider themselves musicians first and foremost, but discovered that making characters was also something they loved doing. They are using as many creative outlets as possible to keep from going a little “crazy.”

That’s brilliant! Why isn’t that an option? Why can’t I just do what I feel and see where it takes me? I think I should expand my options as well. And have some fun, of course. Which I seem to miss out on since I worry. A lot.

That’s truly what I want for this year. Amidst the stress of junior year, and my first experiences in a lot of challenging situations (AP’s, auditioned bands), I need fun. I need a release, and I need something chilled out, not-so-serious, as opposed to the air I apply to everything now.

I think what I’m saying is: I resolve to have fun in 2013. And not to do anything specific or calculated. I will immerse myself in things I love, and things I would love to try, and have a BLAST to counter the stress of this school year, and the inevitable stress of college searching this summer and fall of senior year. That’s the whole point of hobbies, right?

But I still hold onto the goal of weekly posts. If I wait too long, posts turn out being as long as they were last time. And then I start rethinking them, like today. Writing is my central craft; I’ve got to practice and hone it! So raise a glass of whatever you want: Cheers to a new year full of writing and extraordinary fun!

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