In lieu of the soon-to-be-upon-us, large time-consumer that is school coming up, I decided all you dear readers may need a pick-me-up. Some humor to lighten the mood. So I comprised a list of a bunch of stupid crap people say to me all the time. I hope you get some chuckles in this otherwise dark time.
Here is one that is pretty standard:
Them: “Dude, that was so stupid! I totally had a blond moment right there!”
Me: *looks at them blankly*
Them: “Oh, well, of course, I didn’t mean you, um…”
Me: “Thank you.”
Here’s one I don’t really understand:
Them: “Oh, wow, I didn’t know you played guitar (or uke; this situation is interchangeable)! That’s so cool.”
Them: *almost wistfully* “I wish I had the patience to play an instrument.”
Me: “Oh, yeah…”
Me (in head): What in the world are you implying?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!????!! That honestly could mean a thousand things. I don’t know what percentage of those are flattering. I think you were just trying to fill up space in the conversation even though you didn’t know what you were talking about. I mean, I’m patient, I guess, but are you implying rock ‘n’ roll is patient?! That was just…stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.
Here’s one I got a lot at my old school:
Them: *in thick, dumb-talk* “You’re in the smart class, rraaaiight?”
Me, in my dreams: *punches in face*
Me, in reality: “Sure.”
Them: *thrusts out math/English/science/etc. homework* “Oh, then how do you do this?” *smacks gum*
Them, translation: You’re going to do my homework for me because I’m too lazy to try, right?
Me: “I don’t know, I forget.”
Me, translation: I hate talking to you. Now I have to do stuff for you? No way.
Them: *sneers, like I’m the dumb one* “Oh, faaaaaaine.”
Me, in my head: I’m already three planets closer to achieving anything than you. Man up and do some dang work, you lazy ____ (insert favorite insult here).
Here’s one I can’t really put a name on:
Them: “OHMAIGAWSH, you’re a twin?!?!?!?!! How come you never told me?”
Me, in my head: Mostly because this would happen…
Me, really: “I dunno.”
Them: “Yeah, well, your sister’s in my ____ class! I can’t believe it, though, because you guys look nothing alike!”
Me, in my dreams: *goes into coma until the stupid passes*
Me, really: “We’re fraternal.”
Them: “What? Whatever, you guys don’t look like twins.”
Me: “Twins don’t have to look alike to be twins.”
Them: *no comprendo* “But, you’re…twins…”
Me: “Kill me now.”
Me: “Oh, did I say that out loud?”
Here’s one that’s just….gah:
Them: *sees me doodling or whatever* “That’s cool. Can you do that for me?”
Me, in my head: Lord, why would I ever want to do that?!
Here’s one I deal with far too often:
Them: “I hate school!”
Me: “I hate school on my birthday.”
Them: “What?….Oh…….happy birthday?”
Me: “Means a lot.”
Here’s one that makes me give up:
Me: *sent a hilarious message that I absolutely slaved over*
Me, to self: “What on earth do I respond with?!” *exits message, chucks phone on bed, walks out of room* “They do not deserve further communication with me if they do not wish to try. I bet they didn’t even laugh. Liars.”
Here’s one that I get tired of responding to:
Them: *blathering on about some crap*
Them: “Why are you so quiet?”
Me: “Because I have nothing to say.”
Them: *looks confused because they ALWAYS have something to say, they are a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, when, in fact, they are normally not saying anything at all. At least, nothing of worth. Then, they turn quiet, realizing the BURN.*
Here’s one I can’t stand:
Me: “I really like music. I want to be a musician/I play guitar/etc. musical stuff.”
Them: “Oh, me, TOO!! I listen to the radio EVERY. DAY. I practically BREATHE music. Music is mai liiife.”
Me, in my head: *cringes and shrivels* Not the dreaded line!! Not the flat-out lie! Not the line that you use to try to look cool and artsy when, in reality, you’re not. Not the line that all us real music lovers never really say because it sounds superficial since everyone who says it is, in fact, lying. Not to mention the fact that radio, nowadays, is part- doorknobs producing ear-grinding, worthless sentences that are not music, just them blabbing, part- the worst advertisements ever, part-DEFINITELY not even close to the variety of music out there because the songs that get radio-play are the same stuff over and over, and part- lacking actual DJ’s. You don’t play an instrument, you spend most of your time on Facebook, and listen to popular radio hits; you do not BREATHE music. Shuttup.
Me, in real life: “Oh, cool.”
Here’s one that makes me punch things:
Me: “WHAT THE–Please be quiet. Just, go away.”
Hope you had a great summer!
P.S. if you still need consolation for the upcoming event (school), check out my other blog for another end-o-season post!